Some weeks are better than others

4 April 2016 · 3 minute read · text posts about nothing, personal and depression

Last week was my first week at RC. That was obviously amazing. I did a heap of cool new stuff. It was very exciting. I stayed late most nights - once til about 3am. I learned Haskell’s basics and I started studying algorithms. Algorithm study meant spending some time doing mathematics again, which was very cool. At the end of the week I spent some time fixing bugs in the TDU website, which meant thinking back in the python/web model. Plus being in New York is pretty cool man. What’s not to love about that?

And then the weekend came around. I was tired, so took Saturday to watch a season of Scandal. I had a chore list (and shopping list). I did none of it. I ended up shooting myself in the foot with sleeping patterns and not leaving my room. I just wasn’t feeling up to it. Sunday went by the same way. I did watch a lot of Scandal. I read a bunch of crap on the internet. And I failed to take my meds.

Rookie mistake, right? I know. I had been pretty inconsistent with them all week in terms of timing - taking them when I remembered, rather than at a fixed time. I kind of forgot, and I kind of just didn’t want to leave my room to get a glass of water. I should have realised that wasn’t a good sign but I’m an idiot.

Last night (Sunday night) was tough. Because I had got nothing done. Because I hadn’t left bed in two days – except to eat an entire pizza (and pizzas in this city are big). There was that feeling I thought I’d left in on another continent. The feeling that I hadn’t done enough, that I would never be enough, that the whole god-damned charade would be up any minute.

This morning I woke late and I arrived an hour and a half later than I wanted to. Since I got here - just over an hour ago - I’ve done nothing. I’m distracted. Incapable of getting started on anything. Incapable of thinking the way I thought last week. I’ve taken my meds and caffeinated up and I still feel sluggish and distracted and just… on the verge of tears the whole time.

The good news is that taking my meds regularly the next few days will get rid of the headache and the nausea (oh yeah there’s headache and nausea, sure-fire signs that I’m off the track with medication). If past experience is any guide, it’ll also give me a major high as I suddenly get a flood of seritonin. I’ll make up for today’s (and the weekend’s) lack of productivity with a few days of hyperactivity.

The thing that sucks though is how quickly my brain reminded me that I would never be free of this defect. Next week I probably (hopefully?) won’t feel like crying about it, but the inkling of hope that this would be a place free of Reall Bad Days has been smashed. It’s fucking oppressive.